Awake My Soul
by LondonBound23
Summary: Life has changed Kurt. He is no longer the boy with the big dreams and bright future, but goes through life empty and numb. What or who can help him find his way again? Currently a one shot, possibly multi chapter fic if there's interest.


**AN: As of now this is just a spur of the moment idea I had. While I do have some ideas for how to continue the story, I am not sure I want to yet. In a way it works as a one shot, but there's potential for more. I would really appreciate you guys letting me know if there's any interest in me continuing with it. Like I said, I have some idea where I want to take it should I continue, but sometimes short is better. **

**Either way, I hope you enjoy!**

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Life had never been easy for Kurt Hummel. Deep down he knew that was a lie. He had once had good parents who loved and cared for him. There was nothing bad to be said about that. But things change, and more importantly, life changes you. It changes you so much sometimes that you are hard pressed to find anything recognizable in yourself. At least that's how Kurt felt. As he was sitting in the empty living room of his house, perusing the old photo albums with memories from a time long passed, he felt more distant from himself than ever before. Truth be told, he hadn't felt like Kurt in years, had almost no recollection of who the blue eyed brunette in the pictures was, much less how he came to be smiling.

How had his world gone to hell? It was a question he often asked himself but rarely had an answer to. Because when it all comes down to it it's never just one thing, one single moment in time, that defines how your life will progress. Kurt could vaguely remember a time when he had hopes and dreams, but sometime over the past ten years those had been squeezed out of him along with every other normal light feeling his intellectual mind knew he should be feeling. It had been replaced by a detrimental mixture of anger, hate, sorrow and hopelessness. Not to mention, and perhaps most importantly, numbness.

What had once been a point of contention for him was now the force behind his own self-loathing. He could barely remember a time when he liked, much less loved, himself, and had never really felt like he deserved to be loved. Once again, his brain provided him with images of his parents and he knew that, of course, he had been loved once. But it was so long ago, so distant, that it was hard to believe even when provided with such blatant evidence as the photographs in front of him. Old Kurt, the happy little toddler he could see in the picture he was looking at at the moment, would be crying at the thought. The new Kurt couldn't even muster up a feeling strong enough for that display of emotion. The closest he got was a twinge of…something…in his gut as he subconsciously watched himself stroke a finger over his parents' figures.

In a way there was simplicity in not having to deal with feelings. From what he observed every day from his disconnected presence in school, nothing good came out of it. Even the ones who walked around seeming happy never stayed that way. What was the point of feeling good when it could, and most likely would, be taken away at any given time? At least Kurt was safe from the insecurity and unpredictability of it all. He didn't have to deal with the ups and downs that normal teenagers seemed to have to all the time. He could coast through life the same.

But that wasn't really true anymore, was it? Kurt thought to himself as he absentmindedly threw the photo album back on the table and got up to leave for school. For some reason the new boy in school had managed to change the status quo in a way he couldn't quite put a finger on. It was a strange thing altogether, something Kurt couldn't even articulate properly to himself yet. Kurt just knew something was different. Not with the boy himself, necessarily. Blaine Anderson was as normal as they came, when it came down to it. Yes, he was gay, but Kurt had long since stopped craving companionship, so that was no driving force. He knew of other homosexuals in town, and it had never changed anything. This was about Kurt himself, and it annoyed him to no end that he wasn't able to figure it out.

With an exasperated sigh he got into the car and drove to school. The day went on as bland as the other ones. As usual he kept himself in the back, keeping up with his classes enough to not fall behind, but not caring enough to actually participate. All his teachers knew he wouldn't, so there was no issue anymore. There had been at some point, but over the years they had given up on getting him to speak and just let him be. He handed in papers and showed up for classes and tests; Kurt assumed that was good enough for Lima's academical standards.

It was the second week of his senior year, so when the bell rang for his last period he made his way to the library for his first mandatory study session. Kurt had heard on some announcer that this was the latest of many failed attempts to get more students to do their homework. Going by the reactions the announcement got, a lot of students resented being told what to do in their free periods. If he considered it, Kurt could understand that. Personally he knew he wouldn't have any use of the hour, but he was never going to fight something that would allow him to postpone going home for a little while longer.

As he arrived in the so far empty library he saw that the room had been filled with several medium sized tables, one chair on each opposing side so that two and two would be sharing a space. Kurt felt himself grow a little weary at the notion of having to sit face to face with someone. He knew it didn't mean he would have to interact with the individual, but he still preferred the distance offered by a single desk in the back of a classroom. Wishing to make the best of a less than agreeable situation he headed to the desk furthest from the door, placing himself in the seat facing the opposite way. Chances were people would fill the seats closest first and perhaps no one would even take up space beside him. It was a long shot, but he had the fact that people usually tried to avoid him working in his favor.

As luck would have it, the odds were not in his favor today. The room slowly started filling up. He saw Rachel Berry, a girl he could remember spending time with in elementary school way back when, drop herself down in the seat at the table next to him. She was talking animatedly about some music number or other with her boyfriend-of-the-week, Finn Hudson. Well, if he was being real she was talking at him. The big football player didn't seem to mind, though, and just kept looking at her with a goofy smile plastered in his face. Kurt was too preoccupied with people watching and observing the insanity that was going on at the table to the side, that he found himself startled when someone spoke to him.

"Is this seat taken? Everywhere else is full."

Blaine Anderson was standing in front of him with the same look of uncertainty that everyone wore when they approached Kurt. There seemed to be some sort of belief that Kurt would snap if someone approached him, and Kurt had never done anything to either confirm or deny that. The usual yet very strange feeling reappeared in Kurt's stomach as he gestured for Blaine to go ahead and sit down. The boy seemed to gain some confidence when Kurt didn't act hostile, and dropped into the seat just as the teacher arrived and made her announcement.

"Ok people! Since this is new for most of you, I will quickly explain the rules. You will be studying while you're here, and that means no talking. It's allowed to listen to music on your headphones as long as you keep the volume down so it doesn't bother the rest of the students. The library's general rules still apply, so no eating or drinking while you're here. Lastly, in order to make this period as efficient as possible, you will be assigned to the seats you have chosen today for the remainder of the year. That way there will be limited disturbance should one of you arrive late for some reason. Now, return to your studies."

Kurt could practically feel Rachel Berry radiating with happiness that she would be sitting with Finn Hudson for the remainder of the year. Around the room there were similar reactions. Kurt couldn't see what the big deal was. Even without the assigned seats it should be easy to arrange to sit together. This was a study group in Lima, Ohio, not the front seats at a high profile concert. He chanced a glance at Blaine to try to gauge what his reaction to the news was. He seemed utterly unperturbed as he reached down into his bag to retrieve his books and started to study. Kurt shook his head a little, unable to grasp what had possessed him to check in the first place, and started rummaging for his sketch book.

The hour passed by fairly quickly. Lost in thought and mindless sketching he didn't even notice they had been dismissed until he felt someone touch his shoulder. Surprised at the physical contact, he whipped his head around to see Blaine standing behind him. Based on the immediate apologetic expression Blaine's face took on, Kurt assumed he must have opted for a look of anger in his moment of surprise. Not really feeling the anger he supposedly was displaying, he schooled his features into one of neutrality and raised his eyebrows to indicate that Blaine should say what he wanted to say.

"Erm, sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt, but we can go now and I just wanted to let you know. You seemed so invested in what you were doing." He gave a small, shy smile as he trailed off. Kurt felt himself just watching the boy a little longer than he probably should, and nodded in confirmation. The boy seemed to understand that it was all he was getting and turned to walk out the door. Kurt gathered his things up and headed for his car, unable to shake the image of Blaine's smile and the way it had mad his chest flutter as he went.


End file.
